I need love for my weekness
Maybe if I fall in love with my depression it will leave me too. Depression isn’t always “I am going to kill myself, sometimes it’s
“I have been in bed all day”
“I have not showered”
“I skipped my meal”
“I just want to sleep”
“What’s the point of finishing my work?”
“I didn’t go to my office
“I am not hungry or i can’t stop eating”….
No the feeling of sadness didn’t overwhelm me , no… l am not even wanting to give up. I just don’t wanna participate, don’t wanna go anywhere things which I normally do, I don’t want to do anymore. It is a thing which is there with me since I wake up in the morning till when i go to the bed at night. It is there from weeks or months or time, it gives discomfort, it is deprecating, self loathing feelings have been pretty ingrained in me for a long time.
I really don’t understand why one way the joke is always on me like ha.ha… I have been watching the movie Inception everyday since the past 2 weeks because I fall asleep halfway through because being sad is a goddamn joke. Sometimes I cannot change it by myself, I wish I was dead being this kind of sad is funny neither way.
I want to fly close enough to the sun to see my tears turn to steam, for the wax of pain on my shoulders turn into thick skin. When i write I smir my blood on every page, convince myself that everything around has a consequence. I have been pressurized to be normal because of which I have died so many times that I can’t even remember. I reminded myself that if someone can love a dying thing this way, can hold my body with all the love can give thanks for the things that hold back, can kiss my scars of pain, administer the love absorb the bad days and wake up smiling next to me then i can try to live and love again…
Wait no it is inconvenient, my brain is dramatic like as if a silent film keeps on running in my mind a monologue that is just like water because it’s soaking my mind. I cannot talk about it anymore there are some days when I am so sad that I don’t remember what it is like not to be, like sometimes all I do is love myself because if I don’t there would be nothing left….
I am not here for any sympathy purpose because there are times when I want to be left alone just scrolling my insta feed rather than going out putting my clothes on because there I have to be a person again. being a person I have to take care of this terrible body who refuses to take care of me back…
Love will not heal me, will not slate my body clean. I will always be a woman of wounds, yes love will not heal me but will hold my hand if I ever try to heal myself and maybe teach me a Life lesson that I can stay to live long enough.